I am spending my child support on dildos
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
