Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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