Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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