We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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