I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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