i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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