U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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