I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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