why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
