im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
