Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
