you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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