Dude my mom stole all your condoms
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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