She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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