I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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