I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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