Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
