I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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