my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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