I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just blew my weed a kiss
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
