My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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