After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
