Is it because I queefed?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
