I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
