Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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