We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
