Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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