i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
