I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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