My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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