there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
