My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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