it glows. i had to have it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
