I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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