Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
