Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
