Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
