Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
