Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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