As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
