Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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