so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
