You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
