Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We had sex on a dog bed..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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