either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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