9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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