It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
