so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
