and you said cock pushups were impossible
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
