Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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