Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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