Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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